Charm School With Professor Tunt
by Red Witch
Summary: Cheryl teaches an online class about etiquette.


**Proper etiquette requires a disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some madness from my tiny little mind. This ties in with the story The Third Or Fourth Degree. Imagine if you will…**

 **Charm School With Professor Tunt**

"Good afternoon students," Cheryl appeared on a webcam. "Welcome to Charm School with Professor Tunt. Here you will learn proper etiquette as well as how to be graceful and charming."

"First I'm going to answer some questions sent into me by my students," Cheryl said. "The answers are: No, no, yes, possibly with a grapefruit, no, yes, with a gas can, no, yes, I have no idea, pineapples, twice in a cemetery, no, no, glue, chinchillas, doilies, 125 Maple Street in New York ask for Raoul. And yes. It is a bit of a douchey move to stab someone while holding up your pinky finger. Plus, you don't get the proper grip on your shiv."

"Let's talk about manners that are important to every day life," Cheryl said. "Cell phones at the dinner table. Or dining out."

She put a cell phone on the table. "I know cell phones are important. They are very much a part of our lives now. But we must always take time away from the phone. It's very rude and inconsiderate to talk on the phone during dinner. And even worse to do it on a date. Actually, the worst thing is to talk on the phone while you're doing it **with** your date."

"Unless he or she is really into it. But that's something you should both agree on and technically that goes under dating etiquette which we will get to in another class."

"The best thing to do is to either turn off your phone or put it on silent ringer and put it away out of sight," Cheryl said. "But sometimes we forget to turn off our phones, don't we? So, what do we do when this happens? I'll show you."

"PAM!" Cheryl shouted. "START CALLING **NOW!** I'M DOING MY TEACHING THING!"

"WHAT TEACHING THING?" Pam called out from another room.

"THE ONE ABOUT MANNERS!" Cheryl shouted. "JUST CALL THE DAMN CELLPHONE LIKE I TOLD YOU!"

"OH, **THAT** TEACHING THING!" Pam said. "GOT IT!"

Then the cell phone rang. Cheryl said to the audience. "See how I'm just ignoring it? Eventually it will stop. If it's really an important message it will go to voice mail. Odds are it's probably one of those stupid robo callers anyway. And do you really want to give them the satisfaction of **talking** to them? I didn't think so."

The cell phone kept ringing. Cheryl kept smiling. "Nowadays they don't even use real people on the phones anyway. Just automated messages. Machines talking to machines. Plotting. Planning on new and inventive ways to annoy real people."

The cell phone kept ringing. Cheryl just kept smiling. "Like those IRS calls. You know the ones that say you owe a lot of money but they sound like a female Cylon is reading them? And I don't mean the newer incantations. I'm talking old school Cylons with the red light going back and forth."

The phone kept ringing. Cheryl went on. "I know technically those Cylons were male, but they really didn't identify any gender specific roles. So, it's possible **some** Cylons in the first series could self-identify as female. Or trans. Or however else they could self-identify."

The phone kept ringing. Cheryl kept going. "Have you **seen** some of those old Cylons in the first series? Just saying it looks like some of them were wearing a bra."

"Anyway," Cheryl kept going as the phone kept ringing. "Those IRS calls they send out? The ones with the fake robot lady telling you that you owe them money? Totally fake. Everybody knows the IRS doesn't make robo calls if you owe money. That's just stupid. They show up to your house in the middle of the day with a gun! Everybody knows that!"

The phone kept ringing. Cheryl's eye started to twitch. "Isn't this better? We're talking with each other. How we're engaging in polite conversation. Interacting. Being civilized people."

Then from out of nowhere Cheryl pulled out a baseball bat.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Cheryl screamed as she destroyed the phone. "GOD DAMN YOU WHY WON'T YOU STOP RINGING! DIE! DIE! DIE! BURN IN HELL YOU STUPID PHONE! BURN IN **HELL!"**

"AAAHHH!" Cheryl ripped open her blouse to reveal her blue bra just before she gave the phone a final clobber.

"What the hell Cheryl?" Pam stormed in with her cell phone. "I've been calling you and you won't pick up!"

"AAAAHHH!" Cheryl grabbed Pam's phone and threw it away.

"Oh no you didn't bitch!" Pam snarled. She tackled Cheryl and they started fighting on screen.

"HEY! HEY! HEY YOU HARPIES!" Cyril stormed over to them. "What the hell are you crazy bitches doing now? A pay per view wrestling match?"

"No," Cheryl straightened up. "I'm teaching a class on etiquette."

"What are you teaching?" Cyril shouted. "How to hold up your pinky finger while stabbing someone?"

"Well that's just stupid," Pam said. "If you hold up your pinky finger, your grip isn't as firm on the knife. Plus, it sounds kind of douchey so…"

"Hang on," Cyril noticed something. He picked up the destroyed phone. "Is this **my phone?** Why the hell did you destroy **my phone**?"

"Like I was going to wreck mine," Cheryl scoffed.

"You crazy bitch!" Cyril shouted. "You owe me a new phone!"

"The line starts behind me!" Pam snapped.

"Like I'm gonna pay," Cheryl snickered.

"Wanna bet?" Cyril growled.

"GET HER!" Pam shouted.

"AAAHHH!" Cheryl squealed when Pam tackled her. Cyril piled on. Soon all three of them were fighting and wrestling on camera.

Meanwhile across the state in a federal penitentiary…

"This is so worth the thirty bucks a class," One very large black inmate told another as they watched the lesson on a computer.

"You do learn things," The other said. "I mean it's educational as well as entertaining."

"I'm glad we tried this T-Bone," The first one said.

"So am I Hobbs," The second one nodded. "Technically Crazy Wayne is the one who told me about this so…"

"Hey dudes," A thin long haired blonde bearded inmate walked up to them.

"Hey Wayne," T-Bone said. "We're watching Professor Tunt."

"I admit I had my doubts," Hobbs said. "But this Krieger online college is very educational."

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Cyril screamed as he was flung across the room by Pam.

"As well as entertaining," Hobbs added.

"Told you it was worth the thirty bucks," Wayne nodded.

"I do like Professor Tunt," T-Bone remarked as Pam, now only wearing a bra and panties was choking Cheryl who was also down to her bra and panties. "She really knows how to explain things."

"Admittedly she is a tad violent for my tastes," Wayne said.

"And this from the serial killer," Hobbs pointed to Wayne.

"I'm not a **serial** killer!" Wayne defended.

"You are according to the judge that convicted you," Hobbs said.

"A bunch of people that I killed just **happened** to live in the same neighborhood! Big whoop!" Wayne snapped. "Half of them were drug dealers anyway!"

"Wayne you also were a drug dealer," T-Bone pointed out.

"I was eliminating the competition!" Wayne snapped. "It's called capitalism!"

"Again, the judge had a **very different opinion** of that," Hobbs said. "What you guys want to watch next?"

"Put on the French speaking chick," T-Bone said. "She's classy."

"Speaking of classy," Hobbs said. "Wayne it **is** considered douchey to hold up your pinky finger while stabbing someone with a shiv."

"That's what I told my cellmate!" Wayne said. "Plus you don't get as firm a grip!"


End file.
